Michael McDonald

Austin powers: international man of mystery


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EXT. LAS VEGAS (STOCK FOOTAGE) - NIGHT

GRAPHIC: 1967 - SOMEWHERE IN NEVADA

It is set against the obvious skyline of Las Vegas

INT. DR. EVIL'S PRIVATE QUARTERS - DAY

The lair is 1960's high-tech. We see a huge oversized
Conference table with six scary-looking EVIL ASSOCIATES
Including a Latin American REVOLUTIONARY in a field jacket
And turtleneck, TWIN NORDIC DOCTORS, and a METER MAID

ANGLE ON: A RING WITH DR. EVIL'S INSIGNIA ON IT. THE RINGED HAND IS STROKING A WHITE FLUFFY CAT

DR. EVIL
(face always unseen)
Gentlemen, are we all here? Good
As you know, my plot to high-jack
Nuclear weapons and hold the world
Hostage has failed. Again. This
Organization will not tolerate
Failure

He presses a button. The Revolutionary, the twin Nordic
Doctors, and the meter maid's chairs tip

Back and fall into a pit. Their chairs return empty and
Smoking

DR. EVIL
Mustafa...

ANGLE ON: MUSTAFA, an Arab with a red Fez

DR. EVIL
Frau Farbissina...

ANGLE ON FRAU FARBISSINA in a severe Salvation Army uniform

DR. EVIL
I spared your lives because I need
You to help me rid the world of the
Only man who can stop me now. We
Must go to London. I've set a trap
For Austin Powers!

EXT. CARNABY STREET - DAY

MUSIC: Soul Bossanova by QUINCY JONES

We start on a pair of BEATLE BOOTS and peg-top crushed velvet
Pants walking down the street in rhythm, à la Saturday Night
Fever

We pan up to reveal AUSTIN POWERS, International Man of
Mystery. He's a swinger, with

Medium-length Mod hair and sideburns and he wears National
Health Services glasses

Austin walks along Carnaby Street taking photographs. It is
That perpetual bright sunny day you see in Sixties movies

Austin, bursting with life, gives a two-handed handshake to
A MOD FREAK, who's just gotten off a red double-decker bus

Austin salutes a strolling BOBBY, then comes across TWO
BEAUTIFUL MOD GIRLS who are excited to see him. They all
Start to twist to the music, including the Bobby

FREEZE FRAME - TECHNICOLOR BLUE TINT - TITLE CARD

(PRODUCTION NOTE: ALL TITLE CARDS WILL BE DONE IN TECHNICOLOR FREEZE FRAMES À LA SWEET CHARITY.)

In the middle of the street, THREE MODELS wait impatiently
To be photographed in a makeshift photo shoot area

One wears a short-skirted Stewardess outfit. One wears a
Metallic silver pantsuit with matching cowl. The other wears
A see-through Mary Quant dress

AUSTIN
(taking photos)
Alright, luv! Love it! Turn...pout
For me baby. Smashing!

We see that AUSTIN HAS VERY BAD ENGLISH TEETH. The model in
The stewardess outfit foes on all fours

AUSTIN
Crazy baby. Give me some shoulder
Yes! Yes! Yes!
(beat)
No. No

Show me love. Yes! And...done. Here you go, luv. I'm
Spent

Austin throws the camera in the air behind him. An ASSISTANT
Scrambles and catches it before it hits the ground

AUSTIN
Get these off to Fab Magazine right
Away

SUPERMODEL 1
Austin, you've really outdone yourself
This time

AUSTIN
Thanks, baby

SUPERMODEL 2
(suggestively)
We could have another photo session
Back at my flat

AUSTIN
(coyly)
Oh, behave!

SUPERMODEL 3
Austin, I love you!

AUSTIN
So many women, so little time

A gaggle of MOD GIRLS come towards the shoot site. They
Recognize Austin and SCREAM hysterically

MOD GIRL 1
It's Austin Powers!

Austin runs away. The mob chases after him a la Hard Day's
Night

EXT. CARNABY STREET

Two BAD GUYS attack Austin. He JUDO CHOPS them

AUSTIN
Judo chop! Judo chop!

The mob of girls catches up to Austin and he runs away

EXT. PHONE BOOTH

Austin's in a phone booth with his back turned. The mob
Runs by. He steps out, disguised only by a beard

EXT. GUARD STATION - LONDON - DAY

Austin is jiving down the street and comes across a stoned-
Face red-coated BUCKINGHAM PALAM GUARD standing at attention
Just outside his guard box

Austin mugs for the guard, trying to get him to crack up
But to no avail. Finally, he pulls a big sixties FLOWER
From behind the guard's head and presents it to him. They
Both crack up

EXT. PHOTO BOOTH

The girls run by a Sixties-era photo booth with somebody
Inside. Austin steps out

ANGLE ON THE FILM STRIP

Panels 1-3 show Austin with various exotic MODELS. The fourth
Panel shows Austin with the QUEEN

EXT. CARNABY STREET

Austin spots a VERY PREGNANT HIPPY GIRL with a placard that
Says "PROTEST!" in a funky font

AUSTIN
You might want to protest a bit louder
Next time, luv

The both laugh

2L FULL SCREEN INSERT - AUSTIN'S PASSPORT

The passport opens. We see Austin's dour photo. Then he
Gives an insane grin, showing his bad teeth. The page flips
And we see visa stamps from all the exotic places he's been

EXT. CARNABY STREET - DAY

Austin flips a coin into a BLIND MAN's cup. The blind man
Obviously sighted, moves the cup to catch the coin. Austin
Wags his finger in a "oh, you" fashion, and then proceeds to
Knee him the balls

EXT. CARNABY STREET - DAY

Austin is being chased around the corner by a GAGGLE OF
SCHOOLGIRLS

After a moment, Austin returns from around the corner with a
Baton, followed by a MARCHING BAND

The schoolgirls pick up his trail again and he begins to
Run

A 1967 Jaguar XKE convertible, which is decorated with a
Large Union Jack, pulls beside Austin

He jumps over the door into the moving convertible, racing
Off just ahead of the crowd

EXT./INT. JAGUAR - STREETS OF LONDON - DAY

The driver of the Jag is Austin's associate, MRS. KENSINGTON
A beautiful woman in her thirties

They drive against obvious REAR PROJECTION of 1960's London

AUSTIN
Hello, Mrs. Kensington

MRS. KENSINGTON
Hello, Austin Just then, a FLASHING
RED LIGHT goes off and we hear a
Distinctive PHONE RING

MRS. KENSINGTON
That'll be Basil Exposition, Chief
Of British Intelligence

The glove compartment revolves to reveal a picture phone
ANGLE ON: PICTURE PHONE SCREEN. We see BASIL EXPOSITION a
Distinguished older man. A desk plate reads: "Basil
Exposition, Chief of British Intelligence."

BASIL EXPOSITION
(on picture phone)
Hello, Austin. This is Basil
Exposition, Chief of British
Intelligence

You're Austin Powers, International Man of Mystery, and you're
With Agent

Mrs. Kensington. The year is 1967, and you're talking on a
Picture phone

AUSTIN
We know all that, Exposition

BASIL EXPOSITION
I just wanted to be extremely clear
So that everyone knows what's going
On at any given time. We've just
Received word that Dr. Evil, the
Ultimate square, is planning to take
Over the world

AUSTIN
Dr. Evil? I thought I put him in
Jail for good

BASIL EXPOSITION
I'm afraid not. Earlier this week
Dr. Evil escaped from Zedel Edel
Prison in Baaden Baaden and now he's
Planning a trap for you tonight at
The Electric Psychedelic Pussycat
Swinger's Club in Picadilly Circus
Here in swinging London

A panel revolves to reveal a map of London with lights showing
Austin's position and the location of the club

AUSTIN
Just where you'd never think to look
For him. We'll be there

BASIL EXPOSITION
Good luck, Austin

AUSTIN
Thank you

BASIL EXPOSITION
Oh, and Austin...

AUSTIN
Yes?

BASIL EXPOSITION
(pause)
Be careful.

AUSTIN
Thank you
(to Mrs. Kensington)
Let's go, baby!

EXT. STOCK FOTTAGE - PICADILLY CIRCUS - NIGHT

On top of one building is a three-story high BOB'S BIG BOY figure

EXT. ELECTRIC PSYCHEDELIC PUSSYCAT SWINGER'S CLUB - NIGHT

The Jaguar pulls up in front of the swinging nightclub
Mrs. Kensington steps out of the car, dressed in a tight
Leather fightsuit. She looks fabulous

INT. ELECTRIC PSYCHEDELIC PUSSYCAT SWINGER'S CLUB

It's a swinging club. FREAKS abound. In one corner, there
Is a PRESS CONFERENCE in progress

MICK JAGGER
Hey Austin Powers, it's me, Mick
Jagger

AUSTIN
Hey, Mick!

MICK JAGGER
Are you more satisfied now sexually
Austin?

AUSTIN
Well, you can't always get what you
Want

MICK JAGGER
(thinking)
"You can't always get what you want!"
That's a great title for a song!
I'm

Gonna write that, and it'll be a big hit

AUSTIN
Good on ya, man

MICK JAGGER
Groovy!

FULL SCREEN INSERT

A vinyl 45 of "You Can't Always Get What You Want."

9 FULL SCREEN INSERT - BILLBOARD CHART

"You Can't Always Get What You Want" at Number One

INT. ELECTRIC PSYCHEDELIC PUSSYCAT SWINGER'S CLUB

In one corner ANDY WARHOL sits in front of his multi-colored
Elvis (or equivalent). He body paints a butterfly on the
Thigh of a MOD GIRL wearing a metallic miniskirt outfit

ANDY WARHOL
Austin Powers? Hi, I'm Andy Warhol

AUSTIN
Hey, how are you?

ANDY WARHOL
Hungry

AUSTIN
Here, have this can of Campbell's
Tomato Soup

Austin hands Andy a can of soup

ANDY WARHOL
I'm going to paint this can of soup
And become famous and not give you
Any credit for it

AUSTIN
If you can become famous, everyone
Will have their fifteen minutes of
Fame, man

ANDY WARHOL
"Fifteen minutes of fame?" I'm going
To use that quote and not give you
Any credit for that, either

AUSTIN
Smashing!

FULL SCREEN INSERT

Andy Warhol's famous Soup Can painting

INT. ELECTRIC PSYCHEDELIC PUSSYCAT SWINGER'S CLUB

HER MAJESTY, THE QUEEN is giving Austin a Victoria's Cross
Like the Lyndon Johnson scene in Forrest Gump. Behind them
Are two COLDSTREAM GUARDS and the DUKE OF EDINBURGH

QUEEN
Austin Powers, Britain owes you a
Debt of gratitude

Austin gives a cheeky look to Mrs. Kensington

QUEEN
I understand you were wounded. Where
Were you hit?

AUSTIN
In the but-tocks

QUEEN
That must be a sight. I'd kind of
Like to see that

Austin turns around, drops his pants, and shows his wounded
Bum (matching Gump's) to the queen

The queen walks away

QUEEN
(laughing)
Nice buttocks

In the line-up we also see FOREST GUMP. He has to pee very
Badly

MRS. KENSINGTON
We've got to find Dr. Evil!

AUSTIN
Wait, I've got an idea

He PUNCHES a PRETTY MOD GIRL in the face, knocking her out
Cold

EVERYONE
Ohhh!

MRS. KENSINGTON
Austin, why in God's name did you
Strike that woman?

AUSTIN
That ain't no woman! It's a man
Man. It's one of Dr. Evil's
Assassins

Austin pulls off the mod girl's wig. She is a MALE ASSASSIN
The assassin comes to and leaps to his feet

Mrs. Kensington knocks his feet from under him. The assassin
Hits the ground and pulls out a dagger. Mrs. Kensington
Kicks the knife out of his hand and Austin gets him in a
Head-lock from behind

AUSTIN
Where's Doctor Evil?

ANGLE ON: A FINGER WITH DR. EVIL'S INSIGNIA ON IT. THE
FINGER PULLS THE TRIGGER OF A SPEAR

Gun. The assassin falls forward. A spear protrudes from
His back. Austin sees Dr. Evil as he runs through a door
They give chase

INT. CLUB - BACK ROOM

They enter. Dr. Evil climbs into an egg chair

AUSTIN
I've got you again, Dr. Evil!

The chair fills with a WHITE MIST

DR. EVIL
(unseen, through mist)
Not this time. Come, Mr
Bigglesworth!
(calling out)
See you in the future, Mr. Powers!

Before the doors close, the white CAT jumps in the egg chair
A sign on the egg reads "CRYOGENIC

FREEZING BEGINNING."

MRS. KENSINGTON
My God! He's freezing himself

Austin begins FIRING at the egg chair. The ceiling opens up
And the egg rises through the opening. Everything begins to
RUMBLE. Rocket exhaust pours out of the ceiling

EXT. ROOF - NIGHT

The Bob's Big Boy rocket begins to LIFT OFF

EXT. CLUB - SIDEWALK - NIGHT

PEOPLE outside the club react to the rocket

EXT. EARTH FROM SPACE

The Bob's Big Boy rocket leaves the atmosphere. Mr
Bigglesworth is pressed to the window like one of those
Stuffed Garfields

DR. EVIL (V.O.)
(shivering)
I'll be back, Mr. Powers, when free
Love is dead, and greed and avarice
Once again rule the world

EXT. NORAD - COLORADO SPRINGS, COLORADO

GRAPHIC: 1997 - NORAD - COLORADO SPRINGS THIS SCENE IS SHOT
IN THE MULTIPLE SPLIT SCREEN STYLE, LIKE THE THOMAS CROWN
AFFAIR:

16 FULL SCREEN - INT. NORAD TRACKING ROOM

A BLIP appears on the radar screen

RADAR OPERATOR
(on phone)
Commander Gilmour?

17 SPLIT SCREEN 2 - INT. COMMANDER GILMOUR'S OFFICE

COMMANDER GILMOUR, a distinguished man in his fifties

RADAR OPERATOR
(on phone)
Commander, this is Slater in SoWest
Com Three. We have a potential bogey
With erratic vectoring and an
Unorthodox entry angle

COMMANDER GILMOUR
(on phone)
Is it one of ours?

RADAR OPERATOR
No. Log Com Bird Twelve says its
Metalurg recon analysis is a standard
Alloy, not stealthy, not carbon-
Composite
(pause)
It does have an odd shape, sir

COMMANDER GILMOUR
What are you saying, son?

RADAR OPERATOR
It appears to be in the shape of
Bob's Big Boy, sir

18 SCREEN 3 - THE BOB'S BIG BOY ROCKET

The rocket is dirty and battered from thirty years in space

COMMANDER GILMOUR
Oh my God, he's back

DRAMATIC STING

RADAR OPERATOR
In many ways, Bob's Big Boy never
Left, sir. He's always offered the
Same high quality meals at competitive
Prices

COMMANDER GILMOUR
Shut up

RADAR OPERATOR
Should we scramble TacHQ for an
Intercept?

COMMANDER GILMOUR
What's its current position?

19 SCREEN 4 - A RADAR MAP OF NEVADA

On the radar screen it says "NEVADA."

RADAR SCREEN
It was over Nevada, but...oh my God!
It's gone!

COMMANDER GILMOUR
Listen son, I want you to forget
What you saw here tonight

RADAR OPERATOR
Commander, I have to log it&emdash;

COMMANDER GILMOUR
That's a direct order. You didn't
See a thing!

He hangs up and picks up another phone

COMMANDER GILMOUR
(into phone)
Philips

20 SCREEN 5 - SERGEANT PHILIPS AT HIS DESK

SERGEANT PHILIPS picks up the phone

COMMANDER GILMOUR
Call the President

SCREEN 6 - THE WHITE HOUSE

COMMANDER GILMOUR
Prepare the jet...

22 SCREEN 7 - AN AIR FORCE JET ON A RUNWAY

COMMANDER GILMOUR
Get my overnight bag

23 SCREEN 8 - AN OVERNIGHT BAG

COMMANDER GILMOUR
Philips, do me a favor and feed my
Fish

SCREEN 9 - FISH IN A TANK

A hand enters and sprinkles fish food

COMMANDER GILMOUR
Not too much!

The hand re-enters and scoops up some of the fish food

COMMANDER GILMOUR
I'm going to London, England

EXT. MINISTRY OF DEFENSE - LONDON, ENGLAND

GRAPHIC: LONDON, ENGLAND - MINISTRY OF DEFENSE

MUSIC: "RULE BRITANNIA"

INT. M.O.D. - HALLWAY (OUTSIDE CRYOGENIC STORAGE FACILITY)

Basil Exposition (now aged 30 years), Command Gilmour, and
NICOLAI BORSCHEVSKY, a Russian General, put on extreme-weather
Gear over their uniforms

BASIL EXPOSITION
As you know, gentlemen, Dr. Evil had
Himself frozen in 1967. Soon after
Austin Powers volunteered to have
Himself frozen, in the event Dr
Evil should ever return. We believe
Dr. Evil has begun yet another plot
To take over the world. And that
Gentlemen, is why we're here

COMMAND GILMOUR
Outstanding re-cap, Exposition

Command Gilmour opens a vault door. COLD MIST escapes

INT. M.O.D. - CRYOGENIC STORAGE FACILITY

They pass a row of cryogenic holding berths, each containing
A naked PERSON in suspended animation, a la Demolition Man
They pass GARY COLEMAN, EVEL KNIEVAL (with cape), and VANILLA
ICE, all in suspended animation. They pass a now-empty berth
With a plate that reads "JOHN

TRAVOLTA."

BORSCHEVSKY
Who is this Austin Powers? Is he a
British operative?

BASIL EXPOSITION
No, he worked freelance, an
Internationally renowned swinging
Photographer by day and the ultimate
Gentlemen spy by night

Finally, they come across Austin Powers: He is naked. His
Hands cover up his private parts. The look on his face
Suggests 'Oh my God, my bits and pieces are cold'. His
Glasses are frosted over. He is very hairy

FEMALE ANNOUNCER
(on PA)
Attention, Stage One, laser cutting
Beginning

Lasers begin to cut Austin out of the ice in one huge cube

FEMALE ANNOUNCER
(on PA)
Laser cutting complete. Stage Two
Warm liquid goo phase beginning

A ROBOTIC ARM lifts the cube out of the berth and places it
Into a high-tech melting vat of warm liquid GOO

FEMALE ANNOUNCER
(on PA)
Warm liquid goo phases complete
Stage Three, reanimation beginning

Austin comes to life out of the goo on a draining platform

FEMALE ANNOUNCER
(on PA)
Reanimation complete. Stage Four
Cleansing beginning

INT. EXAMINATION AREA

Technicians lead a half-asleep Austin to a screened area
Where only his feet and head are visible. He's washed off
With a series of hot-water jets

FEMALE ANNOUNCER
(on PA)
Cleansing complete. Stage Five
Evacuation beginning

He's given futuristic inoculations and then led to a screened-
In toilet area. We can hear the sound of PEE ENTERING THE
BOWL

He PEES for a while, then a little longer

And then EVEN LONGER STILL

The stream seems to be subsiding...then begins STRONGER than
Ever

He is still PEEING

Finally, it STOPS

FEMALE ANNOUNCER (PA)
Evacuation com...

He begins PEEING again

A little LONGER

Then in short staccato BURSTS

The it STOPS. Pause

Two DRIPS

FEMALE ANNOUNCER
Evacuation...
(waiting)
Complete! The cryogenic state of
Austin Powers is now completed

Austin lies in a bed tilted up in an extreme angle à la Dr
Frankenstein's lab. NURSE TECHNICIANS administer injections
And monitor electrodes, IV's, and other biological sensors

AUSTIN
(weakly)
Where am I?

BASIL EXPOSITION
You're in the Ministry of Defense
It's 1997. You've been cryogenically
Frozen for thirty years

AUSTIN
(shouting)
WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?

BASIL EXPOSITION
The shouting is a temporary side-
Effect of the unfreezing process

AUSTIN
Yes, I'm having trouble
Controlling&emdash;
(shouting)
THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE!

BASIL EXPOSITION
You might also experience a slight
Fever, dry mouth, and flatulence at
Moments of extreme relaxation
Austin, this is Commander Gilmour
Strategic Command, and General
Borschevsky, Russian Intelligence

AUSTIN
Russian Intelligence? Are you mad?

BASIL EXPOSITION
A lot's happened since you were
Frozen, Austin. The cold war's over

AUSTIN
Thank God. Those capitalist dogs
Will finally pay for their crimes
Against the people

Hey Comrades?

BASIL EXPOSITION
We won, Austin

AUSTIN
Groovy. Smashing! Good on ya!
(to Gilmour)
Nice tie. Yea capitalism!

COMMANDER GILMOUR
Mr. Powers, the President's very
Concerned. We've got a madman on
The loose in Nevada

BASIL EXPOSITION
It's Dr. Evil

AUSTIN
When do I begin?

BASIL EXPOSITION
Immediately. You'll be working with
Ms. Kensington

AUSTIN
You mean Mrs. Kensington?

BASIL EXPOSITION
No, Austin, Mrs. Kensington has long-
Since retired. Ms. Kensington is
Her daughter

VANESSA KENSINGTON, Mrs. Kensington's daughter, beautiful
Mid-Twenties, English, enters. She is wearing a very
Conservative, business pantsuit. Her hair is up and she
Wears glasses. Austin's breath is taken away

She sets down a huge stack of files

BASIL EXPOSITION
Vanessa's one of our top agents

AUSTIN
(out loud, to himself)
My God, Vanessa's got a smashing
Body. I bet she shags like a minx
How do I tell them that because of
The unfreezing process, I have no
Inner monologue?
(pause)
I hope I didn't say that out loud
Just now

There is an uncomfortable SILENCE

VANESSA
Mr. Powers, my job is to acclimate
You to the Nineties. You know, a
Lot's changed since 1967

AUSTIN
Well, as long as people are still
Having promiscuous sex with many
Anonymous partners without protection
While at the same time experimenting
With mind-expanding

Drugs in a consequence-free environment, I'll be sound as a
Pound

VANESSA
My mother's told me all about you

AUSTIN
If it's a lie, goddamn her. It it's
The truth, goddamn me
(pause)
God, I hope that's witty. How's
Your mum?

VANESSA
My mother's doing quite well, thank
You very much

BASIL EXPOSITION
Yes, well...Agent Kensington will
Get you set up. She's very dedicated
Perhaps, a little too dedicated
(aside to Austin)
She's got a bit of a bug up her ass
Good luck, Austin, the world's
Depending on you

AUSTIN
Thank you, Exposition

BASIL EXPOSITION
Oh, and Austin...

AUSTIN
Yes?

BASIL EXPOSITION
Be careful.

AUSTIN
Thanks

Basil exits

INT. M.O.D. - QUARTERMASTER'S WINDOW

Austin and Vanessa wait at the window

VANESSA
Let's gather your personal effects
Shall we?

A CLERK brings out a locker-basket and reads off a list

CLERK
(reading)
Danger Powers, personal effects

AUSTIN
Actually, my name's Austin Powers

CLERK
It says here, name Danger Powers

AUSTIN
Danger's my middle name

CLERK
OK, Austin Danger Powers: One blue
Crushed-velvet suit. One frilly
Lace cravat. One gold medallion
With peace symbol. One pair of
Italian shoes. One pair of tie-dyed
Socks, purple. One vinyl recording
Album: Tom Jones, Live at Las Vegas
One Swedish-made penis enlarger pump

AUSTIN
(embarrassed)
That's not mine

CLERK
(reading)
One credit card receipt for Swedish-
Made penis enlarger pump, signed
Austin Powers

AUSTIN
I'm telling you, baby, that's not
Mine

CLERK
(reading)
One warranty card for Swedish-made
Penis enlarger pump, filled out by
Austin Powers

AUSTIN
I don't even know what this is
This sort of thing ain't my bag
Baby

CLERK
(reading)
One book: Swedish-Made Penis Enlarger
Pumps and Me: This Sort of Thing Is
My Bag, Baby, by Austin Powers

The clerk shows the book to Austin, who is humiliated

AUSTIN
OK, OK man, don't get heavy, I'll
Sign. Just to get things moving
Baby

VANESSA
Listen, Mr. Powers, I look forward
To working with you, but do me a
Favor and stop calling me baby. You
Can address me as Agent Kensington
We have to leave immediately. We've
Preserved your private jet just as
You left it. It's waiting at Heathrow
Airport

AUSTIN
(excited)
My jumbo jet? Smashing baby

EXT. PLANE TAKING OFF - DAY

We see a plane taking off in silhouette

EXT. PLANE IN FLIGHT - DAY

A multi-colored psychedelic jumbo jet with Austin's logo on the tailpiece

INT. PRIVATE PSYCHEDELIC JET

The inside looks like Hugh Heffner's jet&emdash; rust shag carpet, brown walls, and beads. Austin and Vanessa sit on beanbag chairs. Vanessa works on her lap top

AUSTIN
Pretty groovy Jumbo Jet, eh? How
Does a hot chick like you end up
Working at the Ministry of Defense?

VANESSA
I went to Oxford and excelled in
Several subjects, but I ended up
Specializing in foreign languages
I wanted to travel -- see the world
In my last year I was accepted into
The M.O.D. in the Cultural Studies
Sector. I thought I was off on an
Exciting career, but my job was to
Read everything printed in every
Country. It's very boring. My whole
Day is spent reading wedding
Announcements in Farsi. If I do
Well with this case, I finally get
Promoted to field operative...

AUSTIN
That's fascinating, Vanessa. Listen, why don't we go into the back and shag?

VANESSA
I beg your pardon?

AUSTIN
I've been frozen for thirty years, man, I want to see if my bits and pieces are still working.

VANESSA
Excuse me?

AUSTIN
My wedding tackle.

VANESSA
I'm sorry?

AUSTIN
My meat and two veg

VANESSA
Mr. Powers, please. I know that you
Must be a little confused, but we
Have a very serious situation at
Hand. I would appreciate it if you'd
Concentrate on our mission and give
Your libido a rest

AUSTIN
Have you ever made love to a Chigro?

VANESSA
A Chigro?

AUSTIN
You know, a Chigro&emdash; part
Chinese, part Negro&emdash; Chigro

VANESSA
(offended)
We don't use the term 'Negro' anymore
It's considered offensive

AUSTIN
That's right. You're supposed to
Say 'colored' now, right?
(spotting the flight
Attendants)
Here's the stewardesses! Bring on
The sexy stews!

The STEWARDESSES enter. They're not dressed very sexily
One of them is a man and another wears braces

FLIGHT ATTENDANT
Excuse me, did you say 'stewardess'?
We're called 'flight attendants'
Now, thank you very much

AUSTIN
Oh, I get it, it's like 'I'm not a
Whore, I'm a sex worker', baby

FLIGHT ATTENDANT
My name is Mrs. Wilkenson. There
Are a few things we need to discuss
First of all, we're not wearing these

She holds up some skimpy, lingerie-type flight outfits

FLIGHT ATTENDANT

ALSO, I HAVE SOME QUESTIONS ABOUT THE ITINERARY. IT SAYS
HERE, '4:30 - DINNER, 5:30 -

Everyone Gets Naked and Covered with Baby Oil, 6:00 - Orgy'?

AUSTIN
Seems pretty straightforward, don't
You think...listen darling, I think
You're a fabulous bird. Can I get
Your telephone number?

FLGHT ATTENDANT
(mock sexy)
Sure, it's easy to remember
(writing on his hand)
It's 777-FILM. We have to prepare
The craft for take-off now

AUSTIN
Smashing! When we land I'll give
You a tinkle on the telling bone

The flight attendant gives him a chilly stare and then exits

AUSTIN
Brrrr! She must be frigid. There's
Two things I know about life: one
Americans will never take to soccer
Two, Swedish girls and stewardesses
Love to shag!

They're shag-mad, man! Let me ask you a question, Vanessa
And be honest

VANESSA
Sure

AUSTIN
Do I make you horny?

VANESSA
What?

AUSTIN
Do I make you horny? Randy, you
Know. To you, am I eros manifest?

VANESSA
I hope this is part of the unfreezing
Process

AUSTIN
Listen, Vanessa, I'm a swinger&emdash;
That's what I do, I swing

VANESSA
I understand that, Mr. Powers, but
Let me be perfectly clear with you
Perhaps to the point of being
Insulting. I will never have sex
With you, ever. If you were the
Last man on Earth and I was the last
Woman on Earth, and the future of
The human race depended on our having
Sex simply for procreation, I still
Would not have sex with you

Austin is oblivious

AUSTIN
What's you point, Vanessa?

EXT. PLANE IN FLIGHT - NIGHT

Austin's plane. Time has passed

IINT. PRIVATE JET - NIGHT

Vanessa's lap-top BEEPS

COMPUTER VOICE
You've got mail!

ANGLE ON: the computer screen. It's Basil Exposition

BASIL EXPOSITION
Hello Austin. Hello Vanessa. This
Is Basil Exposition, from British
Intelligence

There's a company in Las Vegas called Virtucon that we think
May be linked to Dr. Evil. Many of the Virtucon executives
Gamble at the hotel/casino where you'll be staying. That's
The first place you should look. Well, I'm off to the chat
Rooms

AUSTIN
Thank you, Exposition

BASIL EXPOSITION
Oh, and Austin...

AUSTIN
Yes?

BASIL EXPOSITION
Be careful

Vanessa closes her lap-top

PILOT
(over loudspeaker)
Ladies and gentlemen, we're beginning
Our final descent into Las Vegas
International Airport. Flight
Attendants will be coming by to
Collect your drinks, and I'll ask
You at this time to please return to
The main cabin and put your

Bean-bags in the upright position

Austin and Vanessa fasten the seatbelts on their bean bags

EXT. AIRPLANE LANDING - NIGHT

We see a plane's lights landing at night

ZOOM CUT TO:

INT. PSYCHEDELIC SCENE BREAK

MUSIC: Psychedelic Wa-wa Pedal Funky Drummer Beat TITLE
GRAPHIC: The Trip Using a sequence of snap-zooms, colored
Projections, and flashing lights, we see Austin dance crazily
à la BOB FOSSE with a GO-GO GIRL in a bikini with the Austin
Powers logo body-painted on her midriff

The sequence lasts five seconds and is very groovy

EXT. LAS VEGAS MONTAGE - NIGHT

Sights and sounds of Las Vegas icons at night: "Welcome to
Las Vegas" sign. Luxor. The giant cowboy whose arm waves
Caesar's Palace. The montage ends on the modern skyline of
Las Vegas

GRAPHIC: 1997, SOMEWHERE IN NEVADA

INT. DR. EVIL'S PRIVATE QUARTERS

DR. EVIL
(face again unseen)
Ladies and Gentlemen, it's been a
Long time, but I'm back. It's all
Gone perfectly to plan except for
One small flaw. Because of a
Technical error, my right arm was
Not frozen. I was therefore by
Definition only partially frozen

ANGLE ON EVIL ASSOCIATE MUSTAFA. He is terrified and sweaty
Eyes darting left and right

MUSTAFA
But my design was perfect! Your
Autonomic functions were shut down
And even though your arm wasn't
Frozen, the aging was retarded
Therefore your right arm is only
Slightly older than the left

DR. EVIL
Can't you see I'm only half a man?
Look at me, I'm a freak!

He holds up his older right arm, which looks normal

MUSTAFA
But Dr. Evil, all you need to do
Is&emdash;
(holding up tennis
Ball)
--work with this tennis ball. Squeeze
It for twenty minutes a day. A few
Months of that and it'll be just as
Strong as the other arm...

DR. EVIL
And look what you've done to Mr
Bigglesworth!

ANGLE ON MR. BIGGLESWORTH

Who is now totally hairless, with a fringe of white hair
Around it's ears, like Dr. Evil himself

MUSTAFA
We could not anticipate feline
Complications due to the reanimation
Process&emdash;

DR. EVIL
(face unseen)
Silence!

ANGLE ON A HAND WITH DR. EVIL'S RING ON IT

Dr. Evil presses a button. Mustafa's chair tips back and he
Falls backwards into a pit

MUSTAFA
(blood-curdling scream)
Ahhhhhhhhh!

DR. EVIL
(face unseen)
Let this be a reminder to you all
That this organization will not
Tolerate failure

MUSTAFA'S SCREAMS ECHO FAINTLY

ANGLE ON: DR. EVIL FOR THE FIRST TIME. HE IS IN HIS EARLY
FIFTIES AND IS BALD, WITH A HIDEOUS

Scar on his cheek

DR. EVIL
Gentlemen, let's get down to business

More muffled SCREAMS

DR. EVIL
We've got a lot of work to do

MUSTAFA (O.S.)
(muffled)
Someone help me! I'm still alive
Only I'm very badly burned

DR. EVIL
(slightly distracted)
Some of you I know, some of you I'm
Meeting for the first time

MUSTAFA (O.S.)
(muffled)
Hello up there! Anyone! Can someone
Call an ambulance? I'm in quite a
Lot of pain

DR. EVIL
(very frustrated)
You've all been gathered here to
Form my Evil Cabinet. Excuse me

He picks up a white phone and MURMURS into it

MUSTAFA (O.S.)
(muffled)
If somebody can open the retrieval
Hatch down here, I could get out
See, I designed this device myself
And...oh, hi! Good, I'm glad you
Found me. Listen, I'm very badly
Burned, so if you could just&emdash;
SFX: Muffled Gunshot

MUSTAFA (O.S.)
(muffled)
Ow! You shot me!

DR. EVIL
Right. Okay. Moving on

MUSTAFA (O.S.)
(muffled)
You shot me right in the arm! Why
Did&emdash; SFX: Muffled Gunshot
Dr. Evil waits. Nothing

DR. EVIL
Let me go around the table and
Introduce everyone. Frau
Farbissina...

ANGLE ON FRAU FARBISSINA

DR. EVIL
...founder of the militant wing of
The Salvation Army. Random Task...

RANDOM TASK is a large Korean man in a butler's uniform

DR. EVIL
...a Korean ex-wrestler, evil handyman
Extraordinaire. Show them what you
Do

He stands up, bows, then takes off his shoe and THROWS it. It knocks the head off a sculpture across the room

DR. EVIL
Thank you, Random Task. Patty
O'Brien...

PATTY O'BRIEN, a small, wiry Irishman with fiery eyes

DR. EVIL
...ex-Irish assassin. His trademark?

Around PATTY O'BRIENS WRIST is a charm bracelet

DR. EVIL
A superstitious man, he leaves a
Tiny keepsake on every victim he
Kills. Scotland Yard would love to
Get their hands on that piece of
Evidence

PATTY O'BRIEN
(heavy Irish accent)
Yes, they're always after me lucky
Charms!

Everyone in the room tries to keep a straight face

PATTY O'BRIEN
What? What? Why does everyone always
Laugh when I say that? They are
After me lucky charms

They cannot contain their LAUGHTER

PATTY O'BRIEN
(angry)
What?

FRAU FARBISSINA
(through suppressed
Laughter)
It's a television commercial with
This little cartoon Leprechaun who
Is a benevolent imp who is very
Concerned that these children will
Steal his lucky charms which are
Foodstuffs fashioned into various
Shapes&emdash; hearts, moons, clovers
What have you...
(pause)
It's a long story

DR. EVIL
Finally, I come to my number two
Man. His name: Number Two

NUMBER TWO, a good-looking 40-year-old man with an eye-patch

DR. EVIL
For thirty years, Number Two has run
Virtucon, the legitimate face of my
Evil empire

He hits a button. The conference table slowly rotates to
Reveal a large, illuminated map of the United States dotted
By various miniature models

NUMBER TWO
Over the last thirty years, Virtucon
Has grown by leaps and bounds. About
Fifteen years ago, we changed from
Volatile chemicals to the
Communication industry. We own cable companies in thirty-eight states...

The thirty-eight states illuminate on the map

NUMBER TWO
...in addition to our cable holdings, we own a steel mill in Cleveland...

A steel mill miniature illuminates in Cleveland

NUMBER TWO
...Shipping in Texas...

A ship off the coast of Texas illuminates

NUMBER TWO
...Oil refineries in Seattle...

An oil refinery illuminates in Seattle

NUMBER TWO
And a factory in Chicago that makes miniature models of factories.

The miniature model factory lights up in Chicago

NUMBER TWO
We also own the Franklin mint, which makes decorative hand-painted theme plates for collectors
(holds up plate)
Some plates, like the Gone With The Wind series, have gone up in value as much as two-hundred and forty percent, but, as with any investment, there is some risk involved.

DR. EVIL
Gentlemen, I have a plan. It's called blackmail. The Royal Family of
Britain are the wealthiest landowners In the world. Either the Royal Family pays us an exorbitant amount of money or we make it look like Prince Charles, the heir to the throne, has had an affair outside of marriage and, therefore, they would have to divorce.

There is an uncomfortable silence

NUMBER TWO
Um, Dr. Evil, Prince Charles did have an affair. He admitted it, and they are now divorced, actually.

DR. EVIL
People have to tell me these things! I've been frozen for thirty years, throw me a bone here.
(pausing)
OK, no problem. Here's my second plan. Back in the Sixties I had a
weather changing machine that was in essence a sophisticated heat beam which we called a "laser." Using this laser, we punch a hole in the protective layer around the Earth, which we scientists call the "Ozone Layer." Slowly but surely, ultraviolet rays would pour in, increasing the risk of skin cancer. That is, unless the world pays us a hefty ransom.

There is another uncomfortable silence

NUMBER TWO
Umm, that also has already happened

DR. EVIL
Right
(pause)
Oh, hell, let's just do what we always
Do. Let's hijack some nuclear weapons
And hold the world hostage
(pause)
Gentlemen, it's come to my attention
That a breakaway Russian Republic
Called Kreplachistan will be
Transferring a nuclear warhead to
The United Nations in a few days
Here's the plan. We get the warhead
And we hold the world ransom...
(dramatic pause)
...FOR ONE MILLION DOLLARS!

There is an uncomfortable pause

NUMBER TWO
Don't you think we should ask for
More than a million dollars? A
Million dollars isn't that much money
These days

DR. EVIL
All right then...
(dramatic pause)
...FIVE MILLION DOLLARS!

There is another uncomfortable pause

NUMBER TWO
Virtucon alone makes over nine billion
Dollars a year

DR. EVIL
(pleasantly surprised)
Oh, really?
(slightly irritated)
One-hundred billion dollars
(pause)
OK, make it happen. Anything else?

FRAU FARBISSINA
Remember when we froze your semen
You said that if it looked like you
Weren't coming back to try and make
You a son so that a part of you would
Live forever?

DR. EVIL
Yes

FRAU FARBISSINA
Well, after a few years, we got sort
Of impatient. Dr. Evil, I want you
To meet your son

DR. EVIL
My son?

FRAU FARBISSINA
Yes
(calling out)
Scott!

SCOTT EVIL walks out. He is fifteen, grungy, and wears a
Kurt Cobain T-shirt

SCOTT EVIL
Hi

DR. EVIL
Hello, Scott. I'm your father, Dr
Evil
(emotional)
I have a son! I have a son!
Everyone, I have a son!
(gesturing to globe)
Someday, Scott, this will all be
Yours

SCOTT EVIL
I haven't seen you my whole life and
Now you show up and want a
Relationship? I hate you!

EXT. JAGUAR - DRIVING - VEGAS - DAY

Vanessa and Austin drive in his perfectly-preserved Jag

AUSTIN
You've preserved my Jag! Smashing!

VANESSA
Yes, we've had it retrofitted with a
Secure cellular phone, an on-board
Computer, and a Global Geosynchronous
Positioning Device. Oh, and finally
This

The glove compartment revolves to reveal a display of various
Dental hygiene products&emdash; floss, toothpaste, toothbrush
Dental mirror, and cleaning tool

AUSTIN
Let me guess. The floss is garotte
Wire, the toothpaste contains plastic
Explosives, and the toothbrush is
The detonation device

VANESSA
No, actually. I don't know how to
Put this really. Well, there have
Been fabulous advances in the field
Of dentistry

AUSTIN
Why? What's wrong with my teeth?

EXT. VEGAS HOTEL - NIGHT

The Union Jack-emblazoned Jaguar pulls up to the front door

INT. VEGAS HOTEL ROOM

Vanessa carries her compact flight attendant bag and Austin
Takes his two bright red oversized leatherette Samsonite suitcases

AUSITN
Which side of the bed do you want?

VANESSA
You're going to sleep on the sofa. I'd like to remind you, Mr. Powers, that the only reason we're sharing a room is to support our cover story that we're a married couple on vacation.

AUSTIN
So, shall we shag now, or shall we
Shag later? How do you like to do
It? Do you like to wash up first?
Top and tails? A whore's bath?
Personally, before I'm on the job, I
Like to give my undercarriage a bit
Of a how's-your-father

AUSTIN
(off her angry reaction)
I'm just joking, Vanessa. Trying to
Get a rise out of you

They both laugh

VANESSA
Let's unpack

HER LUGGAGE: In the inside flap is a types list of contents
All of her items are in separate, labeled plastic bags

AUSTIN
Gor blimey, nerd alert

HIS LUGGAGE: He pulls out a Nehru jacket and a huge Remington
Shaver with huge English plug

HER LUGGAGE: She pulls out a compact clothes steamer/travel
Iron and a Braun blow drier

HIS LUGGAGE: He pulls out a vintage 1967 Playboy and a bottle
Of Jurgens lotion

HER LUGGAGE: She pulls out Wet-Naps, her underthings in a
Plastic baggie marked "Underthings" and her shoes in a baggie
Marked "Shoes."

HIS LUGGAGE: He pulls out a miniature meditation gong and
Hai Karate cologne

HER LUGGAGE: She pulls out a dossier labeled "Dr. Evil -
Top Secret."

HIS LUGGAGE: He pulls out the Swedish penis enlarger pump
Vanessa sees it

AUSTIN
Hey, who put this in here? Someone's
Playing a prank on me! Honestly
This isn't mine

VANESSA
(suffering)
I'm sure

AUSTIN
I think I'll give that stew a ding-a-
Ling

Austin casually dials the phone while looking at his palm
After a beat we hear a loud MALE VOICE coming through the
Handset

MOVIE PHONE VOICE
(through handset)
Hello! And welcome to 777-FILM!

Austin covers the mouthpiece and whispers to Vanessa

AUSTIN
I got her answering machine

INT. CASINO

Austin and Vanessa walk through the casino. Austin gives
PEOPLE two-handed handshakes. They stare like he's a freak

AUSTIN
I love Las Vegas, man. Oh, I forgot
My x-ray glasses

VANESSA
Here, use mine

AUSTIN
I'm going to use a cover name. It's
Important that it be a generic name
So that we don't draw attention to
Ourselves

INT. CASINO

Austin and Vanessa join the high-rollers table. Number Two
Is there, complete with eyepatch. On one side of him is a
Beautiful ITALIAN WOMAN (a la SOPHIA LOREN) in a white dress
With a white kerchief on her head. On the other side of him
Is an extremely large-breasted BIMBO

AUSTIN
Do you mind if I join you?

NUMBER TWO
Not at all

The DEALER deals

DEALER
Seventeen

Zoom in on Number Two's eyepatch

NUMBER TWO'S MONOCULAR POV

GRAPHIC: "X-RAY EYEPATCH". We see everyone at the casino
In their underwear. He looks at the next card in the shoe
It is a 4

NUMBER TWO
Hit me

DEALER
You have seventeen, sir. The book
Says not to, sir

NUMBER TWO
I like to live dangerously

The dealer draws a card from the card shoe

DEALER
Four. Twenty-one

Everyone at the table applauds. The dealer deals to Austin
And Number Two

DEALER
(to Austin)
Eighteen
(to Number Two)
Sixteen

NUMBER TWO'S POV

GRAPHIC: "X-RAY EYEPATCH". He looks at the shoe at the
Shoe and sees that the next card is a ten

NUMBER TWO
I'll stay

DEALER
(to Austin)
Sir?

Smugly, Austin puts on Vanessa's x-ray glasses

AUSTIN'S POV

GRAPHIC: "X-RAY SPECS". Everyone is in their underwear
But it is completely blurry

DEALER
(to Austin)
Sir?

VANESSA
(quietly)
What's wrong?

AUSTIN
(quietly, to Vanessa)
I can't see a bloody thing

VANESSA
Oh, I forgot to tell you, they're
Prescription X-ray glasses. I have
Very bad astigmatism

DEALER
Sir, the table is waiting

AUSTIN
(panicking)
Uh, hit me

The table MURMURS

DEALER
On an eighteen, sir?

AUSTIN
Yes, I also like to live dangerously

The dealer deals him the ten

NUMBER TWO
You're very brave

AUSTIN
Cards are not my bag, man. Allow
Myself to introduce...myself. My
Name is Ritchie Cunningham

Vanessa is mortified

AUSTIN
(indicating Vanessa)
This is my wife, Oprah

NUMBER TWO
My name is Number Two (indicating Italian woman) and
This is my Italian confidential
Secretary. Her name is Alotta... Alotta Fagina

AUSTIN
Come again?

ALOTTA
Alotta Fagina

AUSTIN
I'm just not getting it. It sounds like your
Name was a lot of...never mind
What exactly do you do, Mr. Number Two?

NUMBER TWO
That's my business

AUSTIN
If you'll excuse me, I have to go to the little boys' room. You keep your eye on the Italian bird. We'll rendezvous back at the hotel suite..

Austin and Vanessa leave

INT. CASINO

VANESSA
Why did you leave so soon?

AUSTIN
That cat Number Two has an X-ray
Eyepatch. I get bad vibes from him
Man. Listen, we should go back to
The room, but first I have to go to
The naughty chair and see a man about
A dog

He heads to the rest room

INT. HIGH ROLLERS TABLE - CASINO

Number Two has been watching them. He presses a BUTTON

INT. BATHROOM - CASINO

Austin enters to see a gregarious TEXAN in a huge cowboy
Hat. Austin enters a stall. The Texan enters the adjoining
Stall

TEXAN
Good luck, buddy. You don't buy
Food, you rent it

AUSTIN
Too right, youth

INT. BATHROOM STALL

Austin sits down. Behind him, a panel SLIDES OPEN, revealing
Patty O'Brien. His charm bracelet JINGLES. Austin looks
Back. Patty's bracelet is now garotte wire. He wraps it
Around Austin's throat. Austin gets his thumbs between the
Wire and certain death

AUSTIN
(grunting)
Uh, uh!

INT. TEXAN'S STALL

The Texan can only see Austin's feet, which are moving about
Frantically. He can hear the

GRUNTING

TEXAN
Hey pardner, just relax, don't force
It! Use some creative visualization

INT. AUSTIN'S STALL

Austin GRUNTS and snaps his head back into Patty O'Brien's
Crotch. Patty O'Brien GROANS in agony

PATTY O'BRIEN
(groaning)
Ughhhhh...

Austin breaks free of the charm bracelet/garotte, grabs Patty
O'Brien's head, and pulls it between his legs so that it
Hovers above the toilet bowl

AUSTIN
Who does Number Two work for? Who does Number Two work for?

INT. TEXAN'S STALL

TEXAN
That's right! Show that turd who's
Boss!

INT. AUSTIN'S STALL

AUSTIN
Who does Number Two work for?

PATTY O'BRIEN
(quietly, straining)
Go to hell

Austin drops Patty's head into the toilet and FLUSHES. We
Hear MUFFLED GURGLING SOUNDS from Patty O'Brien

INT. TEXAN'S STALL

The Texan hears all of this, and is now concerned

INT. AUSTIN'S STALL

Austin reaches into Patty O'Brien's wallet. We see his Dr
Evil ID card and Alotta's Virtucon business card with her
Address

INT. BATHROOM

Austin is leaving his stall. The Texan can see Patty
O'Brien's dead body head-first in the toilet

TEXAN
Jesus Christ, what did you eat?

ANGLE ON THE FLOOR OF AUSTIN'S STALL

Patty O'Brien's lifeless hand hits the floor. The charms
Come tumbling out: a heart, a moon, a star, and a clover. A second later, a blue diamond falls out

INT. PSYCHEDELIC SCENE BREAK

MUSIC: Psychedelic Wa-wa Pedal Funky Drummer Beat TITLE
GRAPHIC: Love Power Austin and the go-go girl dance crazily

EXT. VEGAS HOTEL - MORNING

INT. HOTEL SUITE - DAY

Vanessa is on the phone on the bed sifting through photos
And files on Dr. Evil, Virtucon, etc

In the background, through an open door, we see that Austin
Is asleep on the couch

VANESSA
(into phone)
Hello Mum?

INT. MRS. KENSINGTON'S HOUSE - LONDON

An older Mrs. Kensington sits in her suburban English front room

MRS. KENSINGTON
(on phone)
Oh, hello Vanessa. How was the
Flight?

VANESSA (V.O.)
Great

MRS. KENSINGTON
How's Austin?

VANESSA (V.O.)
He's asleep

MRS. KENSINGTON
You didn't...

INT. HOTEL SUITE

VANESSA
Oh, God no, I made him sleep on the
Couch

In the background, we see Austin get off the couch. He is very naked and very hairy. A strategically placed vase of flowers blocks his naughty bits from view

MRS. KENSINGTON (V.O.)
I'm proud of you

VANESSA
Why?

MRS. KENSINGTON (V.O.)
Because you managed to resist Austin
Power's charms

Austin moves towards the bathroom away from the flowers. Right in the nick of time, Vanessa holds up a photo of Number Two and looks at it, blocking his naughty parts

VANESSA
Well, God knows he tried, but I've
Been rather firm with him, Mummy
You didn't tell me he was so obsessed
With sex. It's bizarre

MRS. KENSINGTON (V.O.)
You can't judge him by modern
Standards. He's very much a product
Of his times. In my day he could
Have any woman he wanted

VANESSA
What about his teeth?

SPLIT SCREEN - HOTEL ROOM/MRS. KENSINGTON'S HOUSE

MRS. KENSINGTON
You have to understand, in Britain
In the Sixties you could be a sex
Symbol and still have bad teeth. It
Didn't matter

VANESSA
I just don't see it

MRS. KENSINGTON
Just wait. Once Austin gets you in
His charms, it's impossible to get
Out

VANESSA
Did you ever...

MRS. KENSINGTON
Of course not. I was married to
Your father

VANESSA
Did you ever want to?

MRS. KENSINGTON
Austin is very charming, very
Debonair. He's handsome, witty, has
A knowledge of fine wines
Sophisticated, a world-renowned
Photographer. Women want hin, men
Want to be him. He's a lover of
Love&emdash; every bit an
International Man of Mystery

We hear the TOILET FLUSH. Mrs. Kensington WIPES off the screen

Austin re-enters from left to right, still NAKED. Vanessa holds up Austin's Fab Magazine shoot from the Sixties, and in perfect timing blocks his crotch from the camera

VANESSA
You didn't answer my question, Mum

MRS. KENSINGTON (V.O.)
I know. Let me just say this: Austin
Was the most loyal and caring friend
I ever had

I will always love him

AUSTIN (V.O.)
Good morning, luv, who are you on
The phone with?

VANESSA
(to her mother)
Do you want to talk to him?

MRS. KENSINGTON (V.O.)
No, it's been too long. Best to
Leave things alone

VANESSA
(to Austin)
I'm on with a friend!
(to her mother)
Look, I'd better go. I love you

MRS. KENSINGTON (V.O.)
I love you, Vanessa

Vanessa hangs up. Austin enters wearing an "Austin Powers"
Robe

AUSTIN
Good morning, Vanessa! I hope you
Have on clean underwear

VANESSA
Why?

AUSTIN
We've got a doctor's appointment&emdash; an evil doctor's appointment

EXT. VIRTUCON MAIN ENTRANCE - DRIVEWAY - DAY

THROUGH BINOCULAR POV CUT-OUTS

We see a black limousine pull up in front. Random Task and
Another BODYGUARD exit the limo and secure the area

EXT. LAS VEGAS - BUSHES

We see that the binoculars belong to Vanessa. She and Austin are on a stakeout. Austin's Jag is in the background.

VANESSA
A limousine has just pulled up

AUSTIN
Let me see

Austin pulls into frame an extremely long telephoto lens attached to his vintage camera

EXT. VIRTUCON MAIN ENTRANCE

TELEPHOTO LENS POV

Two more BODYGUARDS leave the building and approach the limo
Number Two exits the building

Holding Mr. Bigglesworth, the hairless cat. He's not happy
About this, and has a scratch on his cheek

FREEZE FRAME. SFX: Camera motor drive

EXT. BUSHES

AUSTIN
Hello, hello. That's Dr. Evil's
Cat

VANESSA
How do you know?

AUSTIN
I never forget a pussy...cat

EXT. FRONT ENTRANCE

TELEPHOTO LENS POV

Number Two hands the hairless cat through limo's window

FREEZE FRAME. SFX: Camera motor drive

The limousine speeds off

EXT. BUSHES

VANESSA
Let's go get him!

AUSTIN
He's too well-protected right now

VANESSA
We can't just sit here, Austin

AUSTIN
Let me tell you a story. There's
These two bulls on top of a hill
Checking out some foxy cows in the
Meadow below. The young bull says
'hey, why don't we run down the hill
And shag us a cow?', and the wise
Old bull replies, 'no, why don't we
Walk down the hill and shag all the
Cows?'

VANESSA
I don't get it

AUSTIN
Well, you know...cows, and shagging

VANESSA
Unfortunately, while you told that
Stupid story, Dr. Evil has escaped

AUSTIN
No worries, luv. We'll just give
Basil a tinkle on the telling bone...

He notices the way the desert light catches her beauty

AUSTIN
My God, Vanessa, you are so incredibly
Beautiful. Stay right where you
Are

Austin changes lenses and begins SNAPPING PICTURES

VANESSA
I hate having my picture taken

AUSTIN
You're crazy. The camera loves you
Vanessa

Vanessa does a few coy poses

AUSTIN
Go, Vanessa, go!

Vanessa lets go a little bit more

WHITE CYC

Austin and Vanessa are in the midst of a full professional
Photo shoot, and she's loving it

Austin begins SNAPPING pictures, all the while changing her
Look, touching her hair

AUSTIN
Alright, luv! Love it! Turn...pout
For me Vanessa. Smashing! Crazy
Give me some shoulder
(pause)
Yes! Yes! Yes!

He motions to her two top buttons of her blouse. She nods
No. Austin nods yes. She sheepishly undoes them. A MONTAGE
Of her in various gowns, one more exotic and exciting than
The other

AUSTIN
Show me love. Yes!
(beat)
Smashing!

Vanessa is flanked by two buff MALE MODELS à la Madonna

AUSTIN
Great! Great! Smashing!
(beat)
Yes! Yes! Yes!
(beat)
No! No!

Love it. Give me love. Give me mouth. Give me lips

(BEAT)
Going in very close now

He goes in closer

AUSTIN
Give me eyes
(closer)
Give me cornea
(closer)
Give me aqueous humour
(closer)
Coming in closer. Give me retina
Vanessa
(closer)
Even closer. Give me optic nerve
(beat)
Love it!
(beat)
And...done

He throws the camera down

AUSTIN
I'm spent. What say you we go out
On the town?

EXT. LAS VEGAS STREET - BUS - NIGHT

Austin and Vanessa are on the top deck of an open air double-
Decker English bus having a full-course formal dinner
They're drinking champagne

Austin is cutting sausages into ever-smaller pieces, holding
His cutlery very English. He has cut one piece to the point
To which it's a speck. H puts it on the fork and offers it
To her

AUSTIN
Fancy a nibble?

VANESSA
I couldn't have another bite

They laugh. They drink. It's TOM JONES, serenading them

They begin to dance

Austin gives her roses. Austin is wooing her

EXT. LAS VEGAS STREET - NIGHT

They walk along the brightly-lit streets, laughing, enjoying
Each other's company. Austin gives Vanessa a pet rock. She
Graciously accepts

64 LAS VEGAS - SUPERIMPOSITION MONTAGE

Austin and Vanessa stroll against a changing series of
Backgrounds&emdash; neon signs, Vegas icons, dice showgirls
Etc

INT. HOTEL ROOM

Sounds of MOANS and GROANS. We see Austin's backside sticking
Out above a piece of furniture, then Vanessa's high-heeled
Leg straining upwards

VANESSA (O.S.)
Watch out, you're on my hair!

AUSTIN (O.S.)
Sorry. Move your hand to the left
There you go. Gorgeous

VANESSA (O.S.)
Go! Just go!

We hear a SPINNING SOUND

AUSTIN (O.S.)
Left hand, blue

We now see that Austin and Vanessa are playing TWISTER. She
Reaches for left hand blue and they fall over, laughing

AUSTIN
Wait a tick, I forgot something in
The lobby
(moving behind the
Couch)
I know what. I'll take the stairs

Behind the couch, Austin mimes going down stairs

AUSTIN
Maybe I'll take the escalator

Austin mimes the smooth descent of an escalator

AUSTIN
Why take the escalator when I could
Take a canoe?

Austin mimes rowing a canoe behind the couch

VANESSA
I haven't had fun like that since
College

AUSTIN
I'm sorry

VANESSA
Why?

AUSTIN
I'm sorry that bug up your ass had
To die

She laughs too much, making a SNORTING sound

VANESSA
Always wanting to have fun, that's
You in a nutshell

AUSTIN
No, this is me in a nutshell

Austin mimes being trapped in a nutshell

AUSTIN
Help! I'm in a nutshell! What kind
Of nut has such a big nutshell? How
Did I get into this bloody great big
Nutshell?

Vanessa laughs again, SNORTING, tipsy

AUSTIN
You're smashed, Vanessa

VANESSA
I am not

AUSTIN
Oh, yes you are

VANESSA
I'm not. I'm the sensible one. I'm
Always the designated driver

They are both on the bed. She looks at him. He looks at
Her. There is an awkward silence

She's about to kiss him, then he pulls away

AUSTIN
I can't. You're drunk

VANESSA
It's not that I'm drunk, I'm just
Beginning to see what my Mum was
Talking about
(pause)
What was my mother like back in the
Sixties? I'm dying to know

AUSTIN
(sentimental)
She was very groovy. She was so in
Love with your Dad. If there was
One

Other cat in this world that could have loved your Mum and
Treated her as well as you Dad did, it was me. But
Unfortunately for yours truly, that train has sailed

Austin hears SNORING. He looks over and sees Vanessa asleep
A distinctive PHONE RINGS and a

RED LIGHT FLASHES

Austin opens one of his funky suitcases to reveal a PICTURE
PHONE. It's Basil Exposition, on an airplane

BASIL EXPOSITION
(on the picture phone)
Hello, Austin, this is Basil
Exposition from British Intelligence
Thank you for confirming the link
Between Dr. Evil and Virtucon. Find
Out what part Virtucon plays in
Something called Project Vulcan
I'll need you and Vanessa to get on
That immediately

AUSTIN
Right away, Exposition

BASIL EXPOSITION
Where is Vanessa, by the way?

Austin looks over at Vanessa's sleeping figure

AUSTIN
She's working on another lead right
Now

BASIL EXPOSITION
Then you'll have to go it alone
Good luck

AUSTIN
Thank you, Basil

BASIL EXPOSITION
Oh, and Austin...

AUSTIN
(knowing)
Yes?

BASIL EXPOSITION
Let me remind you that because of the unfreezing process you might experience flatulence at moments of extreme relaxation.

AUSTIN
Oh, yes. Thank you.

BASIL EXPOSITION
There's one more thing, Austin

AUSTIN
Yes?

BASIL EXPOSITION
Be careful.

AUSTIN
Thank you.

Austin looks at Alotta's Virtucon business card

INT. ALOTTA'S JAPANESE STYLE PENTHOUSE

Austin is in a dark penthouse suite. Austin passes a piece
Of art that is very suggestive of the female anatomy

AUSTIN
Paging Dr. Freud

He goes over to a credenza where there is a briefcase. He
Opens it

FULL SCREEN - DOCUMENT

Austin's photographing the dossier with his miniature
Camera/pendant

AUSTIN
(photographing)
Give it to me baby. Super

We now see that the document outlines all of Virtucon's
Holdings in a flow-chart fashion

AUSTIN
Pout for me, luv. Smashing. Yes!
Yes! Yes! No! No!

One side of the chart is labeled "Secret Projects." Under
That we see "Human Organ Trafficking", "Carrot Top Movie"
And in CLOSE-UP&emdash; "Project Vulcan."

We see schematics for some sort of subterranean probe and a
Cross-section of the earth labeled "Crust, Mantel, Core."

AUSTIN
And I'm spent

The front door opens. It's Alotta

AUSTIN
You seem surprised to see me

ALOTTA
I thought you'd quit while you were
Ahead

AUSTIN
What, and watch all my earnings go...
(smug)
Down the toilet?

ALOTTA
What do you want, Mr...Cunningham
Was it?

AUSTIN
Call me Ritchie, Miss Fagina. May I
Call you Alotta...
(pause)
Please?

ALOTTA
You may

AUSTIN
Your boss, Number Two, I understand
That cat's involved in big underground
Drills

ALOTTA
Virtucon's main interest is in cable
Television, but they do have a
Subterranean construction division
Yes. How did you know?

AUSTIN
(smug)
I didn't, baby, you just told me

ALOTTA
It's for the mining industry, Mr
Cunningham. We can talk about
Business later. But first, let me
Slip into something more comfortable

AUSTIN
Behave!

MUSIC: "The Look of Love" by SÉRGIO MENDEZ AND BRAZIL '66
Alotta goes behind a Japanese screen. In silhouette she
Takes off her clothes and puts on a robe. She opens a pair
Of sliding doors to reveal an elaborate Japanese bath grotto

INT. JAPANESE BATH

She slips off her robe, revealing a DR. EVIL LOGO TATTOO on
Her shoulder, and enters the water

ALOTTA
Come in

AUSTIN
I'd rather talk about Number Two

ALOTTA
Don't you like girls, Mr. Cunningham?
Come in, and I'll show you everything
You need to know

Austin takes off his clothes. He is extremely hairy. He
Goes in. Alotta produces a soapy sponge and swims over

ALOTTA
May I wash you?

AUSTIN
Groovy

She washes his back. Behind his back, she pulls out his
Wallet and looks through it. ANGLE ON HIS IDENTIFICATION
It reads "AUSTIN POWERS, INTERNATIONAL MAN OF MYSTERY."

ANGLE ON HIS VARIOUS CARDS: CHARGEX, PLAYBOY CLUB, ETC
SHE PUTS HIS WALLET BACK IN HIS

Trousers

ALOTTA
In Japan, men come first and women
Come second

AUSTIN
Or sometimes not at all

ALOTTA
Care for some saki?

AUSTIN
Sak-i it to me!

Alotta pours them saki. Alotta unscrews the diamond in her
Ring. A sign on the inside of her ring reads "Relaxation
Pills." She drops two PILLS into his drink

Austin takes a sip. His eyes glaze over. He's instantly
Woozy

ALOTTA
How do you feel, Mr. Cunningham?

AUSTIN
Mmmm...I feel extreme relaxation

A big BUBBLE comes to the surface, right in front of Austin

AUSTIN
(reciting poem)
'Pardon me for being rude, It was
Not me, it was my food

It just popped up to say hello, and now it's gone back down
Below.'

ALOTTA
That's very clever. Do you know any
Other poems?

AUSTIN
(reciting in a lofty
Tone)
'Milk, milk, lemonade

Round the corner fudge is made

Stick your finger in the hole, And out comes a tootsie roll!'

ALOTTA
(genuinely moved)
Thank you, that's beautiful. To
Your health

AUSTIN
To my health

ALOTTA
Kiss me

They go to kiss. She notices HIS TERRIBLE TEETH, CLOSE-UP

ALOTTA
Do you mind if I ask you a personal
Question?

AUSTIN
Is it about my teeth?

ALOTTA
Yes

AUSTIN
Damn. What exactly do you do at
Virtucon?

ALOTTA
I'll tell you all in due time, after
We make love. But first, tell me
Another poem

AUSTIN
I think it was Wordsworth who penned
This little gem: 'Press the button
Pull the chain, out comes a chocolate
Choo-choo train.'

ALOTTA
Oh, you're very clever. Let's make
Love, you silly, hairy little man

She glides over to him

INT. PSYCHEDELIC SCENE BREAK

MUSIC: Psychedelic Wa-wa Pedal Funky Drummer Beat GRAPHIC:
The Party Austin and the go-go girl dance crazily

INT. DR. EVIL'S PRIVATE QUARTERS - DAY

Dr. Evil, Number Two, and Frau Farbissina sit at the large
Conference table

DR. EVIL
Austin Powers is getting too close
He must be neutralized. Any
Suggestions?

FRAU FARBISSINA
Ya wohl&emdash; I mean, yes wohl
Herr Doctor. I have created the
Ultimate weapon to defeat Austin
Powers. Bring on the Fembots!

MUSIC: Sexy Matt Helm-type theme THREE FEMBOTS enter. They
Are beautiful buxom multiracial girl/robots in Sixties clothes
And white go-go boots

DR. EVIL
Breathtaking, Frau. These automated
Strumpets are the perfect bait for
The degenerate Powers

FRAU FARBISSINA
These are the latest word in android
Replicant technology. Lethal
Efficient, brutal. And no man can
Resist their charms. Send in the
Soldiers!

SEVEN SOLDIERS come in. They are immediately attracted to
The FEMBOTS. They throw down their guns and come to the
Girls zombie-like

When they get within range, guns POP out of the Fembots'
Bras and begin FIRING, killing the guards

DR. EVIL
Quite impressive

FRAU FARBISSINA
Thank you, Herr Doctor

DR. EVIL
I like to see girls of that caliber
By caliber, I mean both the barrel
Size of their guns and the high
Quality of their character...Forget
It

SFX: 60'S ELECTRONIC BUZZER

NUMBER TWO
That would be the video feed from
Kreplachistan

Dr. Evil and Number Two watch a large screen. We see stock
Footage of a Russian warhead. We cut into a close-up of
RUSSIAN SOLDIERS being taken prisoner by VIRTUCON SOLDIERS
In the front of a

Military vehicle

DR. EVIL
Gentlemen, Phase One is complete
The warhead is ours. Let Phase Two
Begin! Patch us through to the United
Nations security secret meeting room

INT. UN SECRET MEETING ROOM

REPRESENTATIVES of various countries in their traditional
Garb around a large UN-style meeting table. The BRITISH are
Dressed in bowler hats. The AMERICANS all look like JFK
The CANADIANS are dressed as Mounties. The ARABS are dressed
In ceremonial robes, etc

DR. EVIL
Gentlemen, my name is Dr. Evil

They all look up at the SCREEN

DR. EVIL
In a little while, you'll find out
That the Kreplachistani warhead has
Gone missing. Well, it's in safe
Hands. If you want it back, you'll
Have to pay me...ONE MILLION DOLLARS!

The UN representatives are confused. Number Two COUGHS

DR. EVIL
(frustrated)
Sorry. ONE-HUNDRED BILLION DOLLARS!

The representatives ARGUE amongst themselves

UNITED NATIONS SECRETATY
Gentlemen, silence!
(to Dr. Evil)

NOW, MR. EVIL&EMDASH;

DR. EVIL
(angry)
Doctor Evil! I didn't spend six
Years in evil medical school to be
Called 'mister'

UNITED NATIONS SECRETARY
Excuse me. Dr. Evil, it is the policy
Of the United Nations not to negotiate
With terrorists

DR. EVIL
Fine, have it your way. Gentlemen
You have five days to come up with
One

Hundred billion dollars. If you fail to do so, we'll set
Off the warhead and destroy the world

UNITED NATIONS SECRETARY
You can't destroy the world with a
Single warhead

DR. EVIL
Really? So long.

The screen goes BLANK

DR. EVIL
(to evil associates)
Gentlemen, in exactly five days from now, we will be one-hundred billion dollars richer (laughing) Ha-ha-ha-ha
(slightly louder) Ha-ha-ha-ha

EVIL ASSOCIATES
(laughing with him)
Ha-ha-ha-ha

DR. EVIL & ASSOCIATES

(LOUDER AND MORE STACCATO)

HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

(louder again, and even more evil and maniacal)

HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

(PAUSE)
Ohhhh, ahhhhhh...
(pause, quieter)
Ohhh, hmmmm
(pause, very quiet)
Hmn

There is an uncomfortable pause, because clearly we should
Have FADED TO BLACK. The evil associates look around the
Room, not knowing what to do with themselves

DR. EVIL
Okay...Well...I think I'm going to watch some TV

EVIL ASSOCIATES
Okay. Sure

They exit the frame awkwardly

INT. BRITISH MAKESHIFT HQ

Austin and Vanessa enter past two BRITISH MILITARY POLICEMAN
There is a communications center, a makeshift armory, bunks
Etc

We see Basil, dressed as the Vegas-era Elvis

AUSTIN
Hello, Exposition

BASIL EXPOSITION
Austin, Vanessa, let me bring you up
To speed. Dr. Evil has high-jacked
A nuclear warhead from Kreplachistan
And is holding the world ransom for
One-hundred billion dollars. If the
World doesn't pay up in four days
He's threatening to destroy the world

AUSTIN
Thank you, Exposition. Only two
Things, scare me, and one is nuclear
War

BASIL EXPOSITION
What's the other?

AUSTIN
Excuse me?

BASIL EXPOSITION
What's the other thing you're scared
Of?

AUSTIN
Carnies

BASIL EXPOSITION
What?

AUSTIN
Circus folk
(shudders)
Nomads, you know. They smell like
Cabbage

BASIL EXPOSITION
(suffering him)
Indeed...If we could get back to the
Business at hand. It's one thing to
Have a warhead, it's quite another
Thing to have the missiles to lau

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