If I Was Everything On Earth

If I was a merchant rich enough
I tell you what I'd do
I'd bawl out all my customers
And fire the hired help, too.

If I had a bank on Wall Street
I'd fill it up with gold
And dump it in the ocean
And we'd all go dig some more.

If I was king of England
I'd make them talk to me
'Stead of actin' high falootin
Like some picture shows you see.

I'd turn out all the prisoners
And put in all the rich
But it don't look my cowboy life
Will ever come to such.

If I was president Roosevelt
I'd make the groceries free
I'd give away new Stetson hats
And let the whiskey be.

I'd pass out suits of clothing
At least three times a week
And shoot the first big Oil Man
That killed the fishing creek.

If I owned all of Hollywood
I'd hire each living soul
To be a great big movie star
And give 'em homes of gold.

And not one single nickel will
This nation e'er be worth
Until you make a guy like me
'Bout everything on earth.