August 25th
August 25th, 2017; The day started my new job at the grocery store
August 25th, 2016; The day I got my license
August 25th, 2015; The day I drove 2 hours to find out the Tyler, the Creator show was cancelled
August 25th, 2014; The day we went out to celebrate my brother's birthday the next day
August 25th, 2013; The day I killed myself
I awoke with a darkness that overshadowed the blue in my bloodshot eyes
Smoke filled my lungs for one of the last times but I stopped feeling high weeks ago
Blood and phlegm fill my mouth and fill my sink
I try my best to wash it out to avoid my dad screaming at me for it again
The cold shower water covers the empty shell where my soul used to inhabit
And love and laugh and experience the Way I interact with the people who supposedly love me
I could never love my friends the way they love me deep down despite my feeling
They want me farther than I've ever been
I started my day with a poem about existentialism
That I wish I could remember the title of
This made me feel smaller than I could ever feel in this ever expanding universe
We inhabit such a small crevice of
I had been struggling for months on whether or not I'd ever get better
On whether or not I'd suffer this much for the rest of my life
I didn't want to feel this feeling ever again
And certainly not for the rest of my life
I felt incredibly alone and assumed I'd continue to feel this way forever
Something in my brain clicked
I felt afraid but I also felt at peace
Calm even
Everything important lesson I've learned in life I've learned from movies and art
Therefore I spent 20 minutes trying to work the fuse box to open the garage door
That hadn't been opened in Weeks
Meanwhile
I'm drinking very expensive bottle of red wine my mom had saved for a special occasion
I was new to drinking at this point in my life
Then I rolled my dad's new car into the garage and shut the door with my trembling hands
I sat in the car and started it and put three pieces of mint gum in my mouth just to have a sense of taste
I didn't fully understand the science of why starting a car in a closed garage
Would cause someone to parish
But I knew it would get the job done
Smoke filled the garage like thunder cloud begging to strike the sky with summer lightning
My eyes felt heavier the weight I've been burdened with
What felt like hours but was only minutes later the door flew open
And burst of light edged around the silhouette Of my father
He represented the fear of only himself in which he had never seemed so lost and hopeless
He just couldn't believe...
Confused and lost...
The only person that wanted him around didn't wanna be around themselves
I sat in the freshly cut grass for hours and talked about my feelings of despair
While drinking two sprites and water
He talked about the thought of a hospital but I didn't wanna go
But a week later I ended up there for 4 and half days
I lived through two weeks that we're never supposed to happen in the first place
Despite the blood flowing and pumping today as I write this
A piece of me died that day, the old me died that day
And he disappeared but the sadness never went away
August 25th
Writer/s: Connor Scribner